I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
