when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
