I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
we're so committed to being not committed
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
