I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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