that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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