the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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