if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
