She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize