Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
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