not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
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