from now on my penis is your penis
I checked into jail on foursquare
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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