You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Randomize
