I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
