just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
