I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
