I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
