yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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