I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Shame - the story of my life.
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