I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
