There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
