I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
