I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
