Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
