i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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