Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
