Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Randomize
