I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
