our cab driver is having phone sex.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
