tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
