I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Dicks are not precious.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
