we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
