Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
They took my balls.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
