Welp...herpes.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
