walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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