Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
