apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
