i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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