remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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