exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
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