between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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