I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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