theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
