the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize