if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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