i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
