Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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