Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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