Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
