I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
