i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
