Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
