So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
