id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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