So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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