you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
There are leaves in my underwear?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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