Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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