Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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