ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
