Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
