i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
even my farts smell like vagina
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
